Are all women in their 20s ready for marriage?

Everyone has their own standards to define what are early to them and what are not. And while considering about matters requiring discerning decision makings like the marriage itself, standards for earliness and delay are even more idiosyncratic; they vary with individuals. UNICEF defines early marriage as marriage before the age of 18 while Marriage Registration Act, 1971 of Nepal keeps that minimum legal age of marriage at 20 (and 18 with parental consent). Now, these are different tales to tell and going over these definitions would require me to talk about legal provisions and aspects from perspective of violation of laws and criminal offenses which, right now, are not the topics of this discussion. There are women to whom even 28 years is just too early to find themselves tied in knots and then we have women who believe they can find the most suitable partners for themselves even before the age of 20. The standards can vary this way or even in the most eccentric manners; it depends on individual preferences and in a country like Nepal, might also primarily depend on preferences of the family and the society. Though the median age of first marriage is 17.5 years among Nepalese women as Nepal Demographic Health Survey 2011 mentions, the discussion here is not only about these women who fall below the minimum legal age requirements but also about those who are in their 20s, 30s or even more. I believe, any period where women think they are not ready to get married is their “early” time for marriage. There could be biological, psychological, professional, cultural or any other reasons behind but if they feel they are not just ready for marriage then it’s an early marriage to them. Having mentioned that, keep yourself poised as the business in this discourse is going to be solely from the moral dimensions and not the legal ones.

In a country where a man and a woman preferring each other as their life partners is not the “only prerequisite” to settle for marriage, doctrines of society influencing decisions for marriage and defining the right age to marry is not a surprise. The society, including the family, has even more firm reasons to define the right age of marriage for women. Assuming that our society respects laws of our country regarding the minimum legal age of marriage, when girls turn 20, families believe that their daughters are no more girls but women and the right time to search bridegrooms for them has begun with this age. But pay heed to the fact that conditions are not the same for boys. Somehow our society believes that girls get ready much early than boys for marriage with most of them defining “20 as the entry to marriage” for girls. Some of the reasons behind this definition of the right age for girls to marry are: 1) Our society believes that girls age faster after 20 and look old so, won’t get suitable bridegrooms, 2) After 20, their fertility decreases with age and can’t bear children so, won’t get suitable bridegrooms, 3) If marriages are postponed even after 20, society will assume that the girl has some flaws or is of questionable character so, won’t get suitable bridegroom. So, basically, the reasons are all hovering around the preferences of that “suitable bridegroom” whom the society doesn’t know, hasn’t met yet but somehow assumes that he will, in any circumstances, not prefer woman who has crossed her 20s. Now, let me turn over these reasons: 1) How gender, and not the individual metabolism and traits, has anything to do with aging process? For an instance, let us even consider some gene experts who have evidences on this matter, but what about men developing wrinkles and crow’s feet, and going bald and grey with their age? Is the youth and beauty relationship only limited to women and not men? Do wrinkles make women look ugly but make men look mature instead? How about we ask reasons for questions like these with our society instead? 2) Now talking about the fertility and women’s age, it’s true that women aren’t fertile for their entire lives unlike men. But like men, women also consider being parent as one of the most imperative phases in their lives. There are different facts on what is the ideal age to bear children but any fact clearly denies the statement that women can’t deliver after late 20s. We have a science called the menstruation that explicitly explains when fertility begins and stops; in no corner of the world menopause happens anywhere around 20s but happens during late 40s or even later unless any abnormal health conditions exist. 3) The third reason, I believe is not even worth of justification because no logic can explain what age and marriage has to do with someone’s character. So, you may now wonder what is the right age for any woman to get married? I don’t know and the world doesn’t know either, only the woman herself can tell. Any age when a woman feels she is ready to be in a marriage is the right age for her. But you and I both know explaining this to our conventional society isn’t an easy job and moreover, it’s very enduring for even women to follow the heresy of refusing to marry early.

Our society not only has its own definition on right age to marry but also has its own ways to bring and accept marriage proposals. And mark my words, most of these proposals have nothing to do with what and how the girl wants these things to happen. There are actually three types of marriage proposals engendering three different types of marriages in our society: 1) The first one is the proposal which family of the to-be-bridegroom makes to family of the to-be-bride. This type of proposals were the foundations of our past and are still, mainly in our rural communities. When a girl turns to the society’s right age of marriage, her parents and relatives start searching for bridegrooms of common culture through their own marriage networks. These networks are so swift and strong that it doesn’t take much time for the news to reach the man who is in search of a bride. After acquiring superficial information about the girl, the to-be-bridegroom and his family bring marriage proposal to her family where both families analyze the relation. Age is not a necessary criterion for the man, there are other measures for him like his wealth, career, education etc. but to a woman, she has to be in that range of right age, be good looking and know household works while other measures like her education, career etc. are just ‘not major’. Basically, this type of proposal is made between two families and the marriage is called the arranged marriage. 2) The second type of proposal is the one that is made between the girl and the boy who are in love and who know their families won’t agree to their relationship so instead put proposals to only their partners and elope for secret marriage. Society often assorts such marriage as the love marriage. 3) The last type of proposal is the one that is made between the two families whose kids have fell for each other, want to get married but also want their families to agree on this. These families either agree that the partners their kids have chosen were suitable or force themselves to agree as such in order to avoid eloped marriage. These families however still make proposals to each other making it appear as the arranged marriage to the society. Nonetheless, the latter one is still much better than the first two types. But here we will only chew over the first type of proposal where women rarely have their say to decide about their own marriages.

After a girl turns 20, her parents have plenty of their relatives bringing names of boys for marriage, they finally screen some and their local marriage network connects them to families of boys, then the boy and his parents evaluate the girl and finally the marriage is decided after meeting between both the parties. So, you might wonder what role did the girl perform in this entire sequence? Well, maybe turning 20, at least the society considers this as an instrumental aspect. Some women might as well have their say on which boy was better among the lists of boys their families had offered; but are they asked if they want to marry in the first place? Are they asked if they are happy with this decision of their families? Do they have a say at this? Maybe and maybe not! They could be the brilliant students of their schools, could have aspirations to pursue a specific career, could have different plans for their futures, could have different criteria for their life partners, could have different opinions on marriage and above all, could just not be ready for such a huge step. We have gender laws, policies, reservations etc. all demanding equality and equity but what about letting women to decide about their marriages? We don’t have provisions on this but don’t we have even responsibilities on this? Has our society ever pressurized men to get married in their early 20s? Has any man sacrificed his career and aspirations to get married? Was any man not given an opportunity to decide about his marriage and choose his life partner? This might seem exaggerated for the new generation and many people might even think this should be happening only in the rural areas. If so, why even an urban woman who is in her late 20s or 30s has difficulty to find a life partner? We have many men who decide to get married at 30s but still easily get women much younger than themselves. But is the situation otherwise? Very rare! The problem is not that men have the privilege to decide; the problem is that women don’t.
There are many such women I can exemplify who are not only good looking but also have achieved successes in their careers but later seemed to regret that their time and path to success costed them their marriages. If women of our country are lamenting on choosing their aspirations over their marriages, then as a democratic nation we have failed. Moreover, as human beings we have failed if we are making women to choose between their progress and their married life. One can say women can even fulfill their dreams after marriage but it isn’t that simple as we debate. No matter how understanding the husband is, life is never the same, situations are never the same and even the priorities no longer remain the same for a woman after her marriage. When a slight displacement of our pillow can disturb our sleep and change visuals of our recurring dreams, a major change in a woman’s life and her relations can imperceptibly change her priorities too. Unless men and the entire society provide women time to develop themselves before marriage, appreciate them by their wisdom and their conduct rather than by their age and looks, consider and support them with their decisions regarding their marriages and stop standardizing the right age of marriage, the status quo of our women will never ameliorate. Hence, if someone needs to take the first step, it has to be the men who can act as change agents and redefine society’s perspectives on marriage and women.